Why many Nigerian men are amateurs in bed

By Funmi Akingbade

In Nigerian society, women get the bigger share of attention when it comes to sexual training. Right from when she is young, a girl is being taught how to be a wife and mother. She is also taught how to satisfy a man and know all sexual tricks. In some parts of the country, the bride-to-be is taught how to sexually prepare herself; how to use soft cotton clothes to bathe her husband prior to sex; even the right words to whisper intimately into his ear and so on and so forth.

Sadly, the truth of the matter is that many men lack bedroom skills and cannot just satisfy their wives at all.

Robert Kingsley is a bubbling 40-something old expatriate with the United Nations, who loves talking about any subject. We met inside the plane recently and we got talking. When it comes to the matter of the heart, especially sex, he does not hold back. He said he never received any form of sex education from elders and when he got married, he did not only pay a heavy price for his ignorance, he actually lost his dear wife and the love of his life.

He said, ‘I still remember that day when I first lost my virginity. It was many years ago, but I will never forget it because it was a very nasty experience for me. I was inexperienced and at the same time so arrogant to learn. Instead of admitting my ignorance, I put up a stupid front of ‘I am the man so I am in control.’ We met and got married and since she advocated sex only after marriage, I was not bothered.

“When we were about to make love, I just said to her, ‘I want to have sex now.’ She readily accepted but unfortunately for me at that time, I did not know anything about sex. Even though I had watched pornography, amazingly I failed. At that time, I only knew one tip about sex (just dip your penis inside the vagina) and I got it from my brother. He showed me how to insert the penis and said then you ‘pump’ and that was exactly what I did.

“First I did not only appear animalistic to my new bride, I pumped so hard I ended up breaking and bruising my penis. I remember she consequently wanted more but I was too ashamed to tell her I could no longer do anything because my penis was already broken, bruised and swollen. It hurt so bad I stayed away, giving excuse that sex was not as important. Shortly afterwards, we separated for a brief study abroad and the next time I paid her a surprise visit, she was already in the arm of another man.

Of course when I confronted her, she bluntly told me: ‘you don’t know anything about sex.’ Those words did not only ring in my ear for so long, they left me incapacitated and hurt.

Robert’s experience is a sobering reality that when it comes to matters of the bedroom, most Nigerian men (educated or not) sometimes may be a disaster in bed. The truth of the matter is that men have often found navigating the pitfalls of romance as an increasingly bewildering task simply because they do not receive the same sex education as the girls. And this is a problem destroying marriages, married couples are either breaking up or having affairs even after getting married in churches or mosques and in most of these cases, men are to blame. The teaching such men receive is ‘how to be man’- being bossy, taking care of the family by providing food and clothes, but not how to please their wives in the bedroom. As a result, when girls get into marriage, they find their men are more ‘old fashioned’ (especially the traditional and religious ones) than they initially thought. There is usually nothing most of these wives can do because their only sex education lessons rotate around being submissive and ‘pleasing to the man.’

And instead of men to look for healthy guideline materials for sex, they get drawn to pornography videos which push them farther into competition. Let’s look into few of these healthy guidelines in this episode.

Prepare adequately ahead of the sex time. Satisfying a wife does not start in the bedroom; it starts by regularly paying attention to the small details that fire up her spirit and make her feel great. Be sure to notice her beauty, shower her with heartfelt affection. Flirt about how her meals engulf your tongue in a sensual dance that left you fighting over the last drop-without the slightest consideration of letting go… the list is endless. Even in the days of her menstrual cycle, there are ways you can still enter her and have the best of sex. Engage your wife in a stress-free soothing conversation that will make her drawn into your arms.

When you rush foreplay, you crash. Foreplay sends sensation and sexual awareness across a woman’s skin. Deep down, every wife craves for the hands of her lovers touching every nook and cranny of her being (especially fingering them or tenderly searching for the ‘G’-spot). So, the husband should make the most use of their mouth by kissing, licking and sucking the woman in all known sensitive spots. Women are very sensitive orally. The tongue plays a huge role in a woman’s sexual nervous system. Try kissing her nipples, her clitoris and inside of her vagina and watch how she feels. Now if she is not too clean in that area, you can lovingly point it to her for a better sex.

When you are on the verge of penetrating, let her feel it by your tender touches such as caressing and massaging. Uttering words like ‘oya jooo,’ ‘oya now, I am in pain,’ ‘come over here, what are you still waiting for? Do you want me to come and force myself on you again,’ ‘put off the light and come over’ might be a big put-off. Rather, be an expert in all types of touches; touches create waves of warmth through women.

To know if a woman is ready for the journey to 5th heaven, feel her breathing, look at her face, touch her vulva and feel if she is wet.

Making love should be a team work with both parties playing their respective roles. Inasmuch as you don’t want her to just lie there, you carry her along fully. When you reach the orgasm period, do not drop dead immediately. Instead, apply the principle of maximum masculine control and maximum feminine satisfaction. This is because women take a very long time to sleep after sex – meaning, if you drop dead immediately, she will get the impression that making love to her is only a sleeping pill. She may have a feeling of being used. You must be able to control your ejaculation; if you have weak organ or premature ejaculation or impotency, give me a call. I will give you natural remedy but if you deliberately ignore your ejaculation challenge, some other man may be ‘servicing’ your wife sexually.

On the other hand, pamper her and make her feel like a woman again. A typical African woman is ‘a woman like a man; she combines a lot and much is required from her and this mostly makes her behave like a man. According to research, the only way most of these women come fresh back to their femininity is when their husbands particularly pamper them with tender sex. This makes them crave for sex with their husbands over and over again.

Tease her about the previous love making even if it was a year ago. Tell her how you can’t wait for the next time, even when she is obviously pregnant. One thing is certain, she will bless you with her paradise and always long for you. In subsequent love making sessions, shower her with surprises. You can switch positions and styles. This is a sure way of discovering something new because it offers her a sweet pleasure that comes with having unfamiliar areas, spots and positions.

Some husbands lament about their frustrations even after trying all the above in trying to satisfy their wives. My question for each of them is, have you taken time to investigate the root cause of her sexual dissatisfaction? Is she going through some issues you are not aware of? Do you find time to be with her? Is she craving for your attention and affection? Are you devoting your time and energy to other distractions and there is limited or no communication between you both? If these are not taken care of adequately, sexual intercourse will be performed as mere matrimonial duty as opposed to matrimonial pleasure. (Credit: Punch)