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‘No no and no, I can’t take it anymore, this is so disgraceful, that bastard, can you believe the way he treated me?’ I sat there filing my nails, my feet tucked under me as I listened to my friend rant on.
‘This time it’s over, I can’t continue like this, I won’t go back to him!’ she declared. I tried not to smile but I couldn’t hide it.
‘Sandra, why are you smiling? I’m pouring out my heart to you and you are just sitting there saying nothing! Worst still you are smiling. Is this funny? That my boyfriend is humiliating me around town?’ She asked.
‘Ok Bimpe, calm down and sit down,’ I said.
‘No, I’m not sitting down, I can’t sit down, I’m very angry.’
‘Girlfriend, please sit down, see, John is not here and he can’t see how agitated you are, it’s you and I here, so let’s talk girl to girl,’ I said, she eyed me and sat down.
‘Bimpe, we live together and this is not the tenth time you will be coming in crying wolf. I mean this guy beats you, molest you, disrespect you and then comes back and beg and you go back to him. What’s your problem? Is love that blind?’ I asked.
‘But I love him and he loves me too,’ she said.
‘Oh poor baby, do I have to beat you too to make you see this guy doesn’t give shit about you? Love is not a do or die affair. You are pretty, intelligent, hardworking and successful, you deserve better my dear,’ I told her.
She broke into tears and I went to hold her.
‘I know I deserve better but I love him and I’m scared to be alone,’ she confessed sobbing. I kept holding and soothing her. The door opened and Koyin entered.
‘What’s going on here, can I join the group hug because I really need a very big hug right now?’
‘John slapped Bimpe in front of his friends today because she hugged an old school mate who was a guy,’ I told her.
‘WHAT! That insecure stupid guy, we should have him arrested!’ Koyin said.
‘Let’s not do that, the good thing is that our friend is not going back to him,’ I said, Koyin looked at me with raised eyebrow. I shrugged and she looked at Bimpe, questioning her with her eyes, Bimpe answered the unasked question.
‘I know I’ve said this many times in the past but this time its final,’ she said with a straight face and her chin set in a determined way. Then Koyin gave us the shocker of the year.
‘Well, seems today is a heart breaking day. Usman and I broke up today.’ WHAT!!!’ Bimpe and I echoed our eyes almost bulged out of their sockets and our mouth dropped to our jaws. We were surprised because Koyin had the best boyfriend amongst us four friends. Their relationship was perfect and they were so happy together, so we though!
‘What happened?’ Sandra asked cleaning her own tears.
‘Well, it seems our rose had its own thorn. Actually we’ve been having problems for three months now. His mother said we can’t get married because I’m a Yoruba girl and worst still I’m a Christian, and you all know Usman is an Hausa man and a devoted Muslim, so today, I went to his house after I closed from work and I meet a young pretty girl in his house, wearing the shirt I bought for him last valentine. All the pictures we took together were nowhere in sight and the girl proudly told me she IS his fiancé and she even had a ring to show for it,’ she told us and rested her back on the sofa and looked up, a silent tear rolled down her left eye. I stood up agitated.
‘Please tell me you killed the bitch or at least you gave her the beating of her life?’ I asked.
‘No I didn’t do anything to her; she and I had no business together.’
‘Fuck! you are too gentle, if I wa….’ The door opened again and Amanda, our drama queen walked in.
‘Sup bitches, are you guys trying to un-friend me or what’s the meeting about?’ We all hissed and I said,
‘Can’t you read moods or must you always be the center of attention, can’t you see something is wrong here?’ She dropped her bag on the floor and searched our faces.
‘I’m sorry girls, so what’s wrong?’ she asked and I told her.
‘Shit! Bastards! I’m sorry to hear this but I’m glad you are not going back to that fool Bimpe, so what did Usman say when you saw him?’ Amanda demanded.
‘Well, I called him and told him I was at his house and I saw a strange woman, that what’s going on and he said he was sorry, he didn’t mean for me to find out like that, that he couldn’t go against his family’s wish, can you imagine? And I asked what will happen to me and he said he was sorry it’s over,can you believe that crap? Two years of my life was ended over the phone, just like that!’ She narrated bitterly.
‘Inconsiderate coward,’ I said.
‘Foolish bastard,’ Amanda said.
‘Ode, oloriburuku, oloshi,’ Bimpe said and we all burst into laughter then went quite again. Then Amanda said.
‘Someone needs to check today’s date because you girls won’t believe I’ve been calling Uche for two days now and he has not been picking up,does he think he can just leave me like that?’ We all tried to hide our sarcastic faces and I gave a fake cough. Amanda looked at all of us and threw her hands in the air before it came to fold over her chest.
‘What now? Cant I get any sympathy here?,’ I cleared my throat and asked her.
‘Ama, do you call what you have with Uche a relationship?’
‘Yes of course,’ she replied. I laughed and she rolled her eyes at me, Koyin asked.
‘What about Alhaji?’ He is a spare, he doesn’t count,’ she said. Bimpe chipped in.
‘What about Segun?’
‘Segun is just for sex, its Uche I love nah?’
‘Do you now see why you can’t get our sympathy?’ I told her.
‘Whatever! But if Uche is treating me well I won’t be going after other men now,’ she said sitting down and crossing her legs.
‘Common Ama, you like men, you can’t be satisfied with one.’ I said while Bimpe and Koyin nodded their agreement. Amanda laughed and clapped her hands and she said,
‘See me, see wahala oo, see kettle calling pot black! You that have five boyfriends nko? What are you?’ She asked. I sat back on my chair, crossed my left leg over my right leg and said,
‘Point of correction sweetheart, they are not my boyfriends, they are my partners and unlike you girls, I don’t love them or claim to love them, I use them and discard them when I like, I have one for sex, one for money, one for outing, one for business and one for keeping my company. You girls should realize men are like babies, you lead them where you want them to go, don’t get attached, love is for fools,’ I lectured.
They all kept quiet and I can tell they were digesting what I’ve said. Let me tell you about us. My name is Sandra and Koyin, Amanda and Bimpe are my friends. We are all in our late twenty’s and we live together in a three bedroom flat, Koyin and I have a room to ourselves while Bimpe and Amanda shared a room. I work for an advertisement company. Bimpe is a nurse, Koyin is a banker and Amanda is into business for herself, she has a small boutique. We all met at the NYSC camp when we were posted to Lagos and since then we have been inseparable. We are all from comfortable family except Koyin whose parents are very rich. Koyin has a car, I have a company car too and between the two of us we get the ladies anywhere they want to go. Bimpe is very gentle, she hardly gets angry, she loves to cook and clean, always caring for everybody, she’s the peace maker, she likes fair guys, she had one boyfriend, John, she is pretty. Koyin is the lazy one, she can pay her way through anything, she likes to read and play video games, she is gentle and considerate, she likes guys that are not too tall because she’s short herself and Usman was her boyfriend, she’s an attractive lady. Amanda is a very fair lady; she’s hard working and very independent. She has her own boutique and love men of all tribes, size, age and color so far they are rich. She has four lovers that I know of but she claims to love Uche. She’s a beautiful girl.
What else have I not told you? Oh me! Like I mentioned before I’m Sandra, I work for an advertisement company, I am very a straight forward person but some people think I’m too frank. I like tall dark rich men and I like to use men to satisfy my various needs. I have five partners as of present. After a very nasty and sad experience with love I vowed not to ever love and I believe love is for fools. I’m sexy. The four of us in summary, Bimpe is “the mother hen”, Koyin is “the daddy’s girl”, Amanda is “the bitch” and I am the “queen bitch”. Welcome to our world.
‘Girls, let’s face it, these guys don’t give a damn about us. You care for them, cook for them, open your legs for them and yet what do you get?’ I asked bitterly. ‘But they are not all bad, you know,’ Bimpe inserted.
‘I know dear but how many frogs do we have to kiss before wemeet your prince?’ Koyin asked.
‘My point exactly.’ Amanda said. I liked the fact that my girlfriends are in the mood to be mean to men and I really want them to be for what I’ve in mind for us this weekend. I stood up and started pacing the living room and I pressed on.
‘Let’s face the fact chicks, when last have you done something for yourself without considering what effect it would have on your boyfriends? When was the last time they did something for you? You know, it’s the little things that counts, take you to lunch, surprise you with a cake even though it’s not your birthday, take you away for a weekend so you won’t have to cook or do anything but relax. When was the last time they held you throughout the night without fucking you or sat down to watch a silly program you love with you like you endure watching football with them? Their blackberry status on Friday read “TGIF club things,” were you invited? The last time I checked we all love to dance!’ I lectured getting angry every second and my friends were totally into me because I’m riding on their hurt feelings and everything I said made sense to them. Koyin said
‘So what can we do about it, our families won’t let us rest until we bring a man home the moment we turned twenty-five and we can’t fuck ourselves you know?’
‘Why not? My vibrator knows my body better than any man and why should we live our lives for our families? What about us, our dreams, ambitions, careers and our happiness? It’s our life afterall and we can only live it once!’ I said. We all sat down and kept quiet; I can see I’ve them where I want them.
‘Girls, I think we should go on a “man cleanse”, let’s go out this weekend and do something for ourselves, let’s get out of our comfort zone and have fun, who is in with me.’ Amanda raised up her hand.
‘So who else is in?’ I asked Koyin and Bimpe eyed me suspiciously.
‘Common girls I promise you it will be a good weekend,’ I cajoled.
‘What is your idea of fun and ‘man cleanse’ what do you have in mind?’ she asked. This is the tricky part, I just hope my manipulative skills haven’t left me
‘let’s use men this weekend, let’s go have fun, raw sex, demand from them what you want, do only the things you want to do,’ I told them.
‘I’m so cool with your idea, gf, hope these guys are rich?’ Amanda said. Koyin and Bimpe exchanged a look and Koyin asked,
‘How is going out to have sex with random men going to help us, aside the fact that it’s not right and it’s not safe.’
‘Why is it not right, you just lost your boyfriends, it will be helping you because you are going to be using them this weekend and not the other way round and you can be sure I’ll only hook you up with responsible rich guys who can treat a lady right, trust me!’ I pleaded.
I can see Koyin is considering my offer but Bimpe sat unconvinced.
‘Even though John is a bastard I don’t think turning myself into a weekend prostitute is the right thing to do,’ Bimpe said and went into her room. I looked at Koyin I can see she’s almost convinced so I went in for the kill
‘Koyin please, let’s do this, it will only make you feel berra. Ok, let me make a deal with you, how about we all leave if you get there and you are not comfortable? Please let’s do this,’ I begged her trying to be diplomatic.
‘Ok I’ll sleep over it and let you know tomorrow morning,’ I hugged her and she said,
‘Don’t get your hopes up,’ she picked up her bag and left for her room.
‘So how will you get these guys? That’s the part I’m interested in,’ Amanda asked winking at me.
‘Leave that one to me. What I need you for is to go into your room and do everything in your power to convince Bimpe, do everything you can to make her agree to this because it’s either there’s four of us or none of us! So go work your magic on her,’ I shooed her off.
‘Ok ma’am but remember, I want the richest guy amongst them!’ she said and went into her room. Without wasting a minute, I got on the phone and called my best friend Ademola.
‘Sup bro, I need your help,’ I said.
‘Hello pretty, how are you too? And I’m fine thank you,’ he said and I laughed.
‘Come on ‘Demo, I’m serious I need your help,’ I told him.
‘Ok shoot, what can I do for you,’ he asked.
written by olatorera aka @sexitee03
