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Would he not invite me to his bed? If he would not, then I have to do something. I thought about faking a scare like saying I could not sleep alone. I also thought about faking a nightmare to get him into my bed, but they all seemed childish. I have to do something, that I was sure of.
‘I would be across the room if you need me, see you lerra today.’ He said pulling me into a hug. He hugged me, kissed my cheeks and neck and turned back to walk away. I watched him walk to his door, waiting for the right moment to strike. When he touched the knob to open the door, I called out softly.
‘Godwin. Wait.’ He halted, looked back at me with a straight smile on his face. My confidence left me a bit. He said,
‘Yes sweets.’ I opened my mouth and nothing came out. I licked my dry lips and swallowed my saliva and still, no sound will come from my dry mouth. He came back to my side, held my hands and looked me straight in the eyes and said.
‘Sit down joke.’ I did though I would prefer to go into the bedroom.
‘My dear, when my friend met your friend, they wanted to have a fling and they thought I should have one with you too. But getting to know your friend, I’ve noticed that beneath her naughtiness and ruggedness, she is a nice person who wants to be loved but scared is of loosing her heart to the wrong person. You see, I studied Psychology as my first degree, and I can read people. Now to you.’ He said. He held my second hand, smiled at me and continued.
‘You my dear, you are a serious lover. One look at you and I knew you were hurting. Look, there’s nothing I want more than to be between your legs but I can’t offer you what you want. Right now you may just want the sex, but later, you will want the heart and I can’t give it.’ He said.
I removed my hands from his hands and dropped my elbows on my thighs. I linked my hands together, interlocking my fingers and dropped my head into it. Hot tears of embarrassment brushed my eyelids but I was determined not to cry. I blinked them away. He rested his hands lightly on my shoulders, I shifted away from him a bit, he removed his hands.
‘Joke, please don’t do this. I hate what I’m doing myself. If only you know how much I want to be buried in you but I can’t because it just wouldn’t be right. Forget the fact that I don’t want to hurt you, the fact remains you are still in love with your boyfriend.’ I straighten up slowly and looked into his eyes. What gave him the idea that I still love or ever loved Niyi. It was as if he read through my heart.
‘My dear, I know you are still in love with him. I had you in my arms for over fifteen minutes, you were willing to kiss me, have sex with me but you weren’t willing to let go. I didn’t touch your br3ast or butt because you have this protective aura about you. You are just looking for a bounce back sex and physical contact to convince yourself that you are over him and to assure yourself that you are still desirable but it won’t help you. You will hate yourself and hate me after the sex. Am I making sense?’ He asked. I wanted to say no but I knew in my heart that he was somehow right.
‘What makes you think I loved or I’m still in love with my ex?’ I asked. He smiled before answering me.
‘Ok, I’m going to ask you some questions, please give me honest answers ooo.’ He employed.
‘Ok.’ I said.
‘How many times do you think of him in a day?’ He asked me gently.
‘Well, when we first parted, I used to think of him all day, but now, once or twice in a day,’ I replied shrugging.
‘When you hear his name being called or when you think about him, how do you feel?’ He asked.
‘Hmmmm, I feel sad, pained and deprived,’ I replied.
‘Are you saying it still hurts you when you are being reminded of him?’ He questioned.
‘Yes,’ I answered.
‘Now close your eyes,’ I did, ‘and imagine your ex proposing to another girl right now.’ He said and my eyes flew apart, my lips were shaking, slightly and my heart was racing and hurting.
‘Tell me Joke, how does that make you feel?’ He asked softly.
‘Sad, very sad.’ I whispered staring into space.
‘I don’t think you need me to tell you that you still have strong feelings for your ex.’ He said
‘Let me tell you as it is. Sometimes people we love do some terrible things to us, and vise-visa but that doesn’t mean they don’t love us or we don’t love them. It’s just human nature to hurt each other. If it still hurts then you still care. Try and make up with him Joke. This heartbreak is helping no one as I’m sure he would be missing you somewhere now.’ He educated me but how was I supposed to tell him I was at fault? How could I ever reveal to him that I was the cheater? Would Niyi actually forgive me? I really didn’t think so.
‘Hmhmhmhm, what if I was the one at fault? What if I was the one that cheated, will he forgive me? Would you forgive me if you were the one?’ I asked Godwin hoping he wouldn’t read between the lines. If he read between the lines, he didn’t give himself away.
‘Well, you know males are violently jealous, it may take time for him to forgive you, but if he truly loves you and he hasn’t found another love, he would. My suggestion to you is to give it a try. You see, in relationships, when there’s a problem, one party leaves hastily and regrets it lerra. Pride, ego, fear and shame stops us from apologizing and mending things. So my dear Joke, reach out to your love once more, have courage.’ He said smiling. I find his words of encouragement soul pleasing. I smiled up at him and said.
‘Thanks Godwin. I will like to be alone and think things over.’ I said rising up and walking to my room, as I was about to enter my room he said,
‘Remember Joke, don’t give up and have faith.’
As I lay in my bed, I sorted out my emotions. I never knew I loved Niyi until Godwin asked me those questions. Just because I was measuring love by climax, I failed to realize and recognize the most important thing in my life! I fell in love and couldn’t recognize it! Hot tears rain down my checks, I wanted to scream but I couldn’t. I stuffed my head into the pillow and screamed into it. I punched the bed, slapped it, bit into it with my teeth. I roared, I groaned. After thirty minutes of anguish, I calmed down. Even though I didn’t expect Niyi to forgive me just like that, I still had to try. I unlocked my phone and typed a text straight from my heart, and I hoped he would see it like that. I said a little silent prayer but I said it with faith.
“Olaniyimi, I’m sorry, I’m very sorry. I know have hurt you baby, but then I was ignorant of my feelings for you. I never knew I loved you and that your departure would hurt me this much. My life is now nothing, it’s empty without you. Please baby, find a place to forgive me in your heart, and I promise to forever love and cherish you. Never again will I betray you or hurt you intentionally. Thanks, please reply.”
‘God have mercy.’ I prayed silently and sent the text. I laid down on the bed, drew the duvet over me and waited patiently for a reply. I willed my phone to blip the message tone. It would not. I checked my phone every 10 seconds. Nothing still. I waited and waited until sleep stole my sight.
Someone was rocking me gently, trying to draw me into the real world from my dreamland. I wished the person would go away and let me be, but the person was persistent.
‘Joke wake up now, do you want to sleep for a whole day? It’s 4 o’clock jor. Shaani lole ni?(won’t we go home)’ I struggled to open my eyes, it was a serious battle of wit but after five trials, I succeeded.
‘Your eyes don open? Why you come dey sleep like person wey them fvck till day break.’ She said and I eyed her maliciously before retorting in a coarse voice.
‘In case you don forget, I danced till small our this morning and I didn’t sleep until around 6a.m cos I was with Godwin.’ I regretted mentioning Godwin the moment it left my mouth.
‘You swine! You were wit Godwin? Arhrhha Joke! You have spoil finish!’ She teased me.
‘It’s not what you think oo. We were just talking in the sitting room. You know I can’t sleep well outside now.’ I said. I purposely didn’t tell her the kiss and the talk. She would want to hear the full details.
‘Hmmm, ok oo. Emeka and Godwin got called to office this morning. We said we can take his car home, he will come collect it latter. Godwin said I should give you this note, and Emeka said I should give you 10k. Oya go bath make we dey waka.’ She said giving me the money and note.
‘Thanks.’ I said and went into the bathroom. I knew she wanted me to read the note before her but I wouldn’t. I did ablution because I was still going to put on a dirty dress. When I was done with dressing, I read Godwin’s note, it read.
‘My dear Joke, don’t forget to do your best to get your man back. You deserve to be happy. Be good.’
I smiled at the note. I checked my phone, the was no text message from Niyi. I sighed and left my assigned room. When we got to the car, Tola threw the car keys at me saying,
‘Madam, na you go drive, my legs were busy throughout the night.’ I caught the key in time.
We got home around 6p.m. I went straight to the bathroom and then to my waiting bed nak3d. I slept off in seconds. A consistence offensive loud knock disturbed my sleep. Who could that be? I just couldn’t fathom any reason for anybody to be knocking at our apartment door. I checked the time, 9:27pm. I quickly dressed up and got out of my room. I bumped into Tola on my way. We made faces at each other.
‘Who the heck could that me?’ She asked me acting scared. I humphed at her.
‘How am I supposed to know? Abi we owe landlord ni?’ I asked trying to cast my mind on the rent.
‘No oo, we no owe am oo. Sha go and open the door.’ She replied.
‘Why me?’ I asked pouting.
‘Cos you are older than me?’ She retorted.
‘Na now you…’ The pounding was coming in quick succession now.
‘Who is it?’ I asked feebly.
There was silent but the knock was persistence. I told Tola to call our neighbor’s number. We made the cross sign on our body, Tola went to hide and I opened the door, my mouth dropped to my jaw. I blinked at him, closed and opened my eyes, he was still there. It was Niyi, a very drunk Niyi. He had lost weight, his eyes looked hallow in its sockets, he had grown a bear, he looked rough. He had a bottle of McDowell’s under his armpit and he smelled terrible of alcohol and sweat.
‘Who is it,’ Tola asked from her hiding. I didn’t answer her, I just kept staring at Niyi. She came to the door and saw who it was.
‘Oh my goodness!’ She exclaimed. Niyi eyed both of us and said,
‘What are you looking at out?’ I drooled.
He staggered forward loosing his steps. I caught him before he hit the door frame. I dragged him in and we both tumbled on the couch. He went on mumbling rubbish about girls being the same and how heart broken he was. I touched his neck to check his temperature, he flinched and yelled at me.
‘Dont touch me! You ruined my life.’ Sharp pain pieced my heart as he stared at me, then his eyes closed and he was snoring softly. Tola and I breathed in relief. We watched him for some minutes before we began to whisper to each other.
‘What the hell is he doing here?’ Tola asked me.
‘How am I supposed to know?’ I said.
‘Kila ma se?’ Tola asked.
I walked gingerly to his side, touched him lightly on his shoulder to see if he was truly asleep. He was. I took the bottle from him and set it on the floor. I motioned to Tola to come help me carry him. She shook her head. I glared at her, she threw her hands up in frustration and came beside me. Together we took Niyi to my room. She said,
‘Goodbye and good luck.’ And left my room.
I undressed Niyi to his boxers. I filled a bowl with water and soaked a towel in it. I moped him with the wet towel and covered him up with the towel. I went to the kitchen and fetched a bottle of water and a sachet of paracetamol. I placed him beside him by the table. I took a pillow and went to sleep on the couch. Before sleep claimed me, I prayed to God.
‘God, please have mercy.’
